One time, when we were walking the girl to school, the boy took a digger on the asphalt. Not fun for any age really. I picked up him up and soothed him saying, “You’re OK. You’re OK.” He looked at me with a teary eye and stated, very emphatically I might add, “I NOT OK.” And really he was right.
So today I had to go get an ultrasound of my leg to check for a blood clot. Thankfully, it was a clean scan, but it got me to thinking (and a minor meltdown), Why is it so important to be OK all the time? When people ask how I am, I mostly answer, “I’m fine.” because I don’t want to ruin their day.
But the truth is, I’m not fine. I’m tired. And I’m angry. I’m angry that I’m still dealing with cancer crap and probably will for the foreseeable future. I’m scared. It is so exhausting being scared all the time. I pretty much have the fortitude to deal with one stressful cancer related thing at a time. So when this possible blood clot showed up and I’m still trying to deal with the lymphedema thing – I melted. I cried. Went to the hospital, got the results. And cried some more. Not happy relieved tears either. Angry, self pitying ones.
I hate that cancer has turned me into Crisis Mom. I’m unreliable. I hate that. Thank God I’m somewhat flexible, or I would have melted months ago.
So I guess, in the words of J, “I not OK.”
And I’m not sure when I will be. But I think THAT might be OK.