I’ve had a philosophical, cancer sucks, yet life affirming sort of post rolling around in my head this past week.  Unfortunately, when you’re on chemo you have to write things down immediately.  Or they’re gone.  Like my post. Darn it.

While I was sick this week I definitely went to a negative place, which for me is not common.  I got angry with cancer again.  It feels like it just keeps on taking some days. 

Things cancer has taken away from me :

1.  Well first, there’s the obvious.  I miss lefty.  And I miss my hair.

2.  I miss coffee.  Can’t stand the smell or taste of it right now.

3.  The pleasure of really good food.  I’m so afraid to eat anything I might like because of chemo aversion.  And even when I do eat, the nausea and heartburn are always there.  It’s like being pregnant without any of the perks.

4.  Along with that is the pleasure of cooking.  I have a hard time with smells.  It’s all I can do sometimes to brown hamburger.  Woo.

5.  The general anonymity of being a stay at home mom.  I love being L and J’s mom.  Now I’m the mom with cancer.  I’m especially visible now that I have chemo head.  I’ve never minded being in the spotlight but it’s always been on my own terms.  When I go to the grocery store with J, I get “the look”.  It’s not a bad look and I’ve probably given it myself a time or two.  I appreciate people’s empathy but sometimes I want to shout “I’m not dead yet” in my best Monty Pythonesque voice, “I’m getting better!”  I’m actually thinking of getting a wig just to escape from being cancer mommy, if only for a little while.  Maybe a puple one.  or blue.  I always wanted to dye my hair blue.

6.  I’ve always believed that in order to stay sane as a parent, you have to have a general sense of well being; that everything is going to be OK.  Mine has been shaken.  Don’t get me wrong.  I absolutely believe that I’m going to beat this cancer and I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure it doesn’t come back.  I just miss the innocence of not having cancer.  Of not waking up every morning and thinking about it.  I miss that.

Since I’ve always been more of a Pollyanna than a Scrooge, I will leave you on a positive note.

Things I am learning from having cancer:

1.  Lots of people love me.  I don’t mean this in a narcississtic way.  It’s just amazing how many people have come to me and my family and given us their love, support and prayers.  Sometimes as a SAHM, you feel like an island.  I’ve learned that I’m no island.

2.  There is a sisterhood to breast cancer.  Whenever you meet someone who has been through it they immediately bring you into the fold.  It’s like this club that none of us applied for membership for, but a club none the less.  I have met so many amazing ladies and their first statement is always, “We are ok.  You are going to be ok, too.”

3.  When you don’t have any hair, you save lots of water in the shower.  And money on haircare products.  You also lose the motivation to shower everyday, thus saving even more water.  Perhaps alopecia is the answer the world’s clean water shortage.  Be green.  Go bald.

There are more things that I will blog about another day.  If I remember.

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